While my compatriot tries desperately to recover from being left by the love of his life, I would ask all of you to provide him with the assistance he needs to watch his one true love running around with another group of men. You’ll probably also end up doing the same for me when that floozy Fabregas finally leaves me for those damn Spanish blokes, but never fear, we have ready made rebounds all lined up.
My partner in crime decided to get down and dirty, and got himself an exotic South American via that reputable place that is Amsterdam, and a caveman from Newcastle, in Luiz Suarez and Andy Carroll, but I went down a different route. No I decided, in my best scorned lover impression, that the finest form of revenge would be to transfer my affections to someone (almost) half his age. Jack Wilshere, this is the beginning of something beautiful, I can feel it.
That’s enough gay metaphors for one day I think. In all (limited) honesty, we’d both like to apologise for all the pain and heartache our absence has caused you. I know it’s been hard, but after almost a year of soul searching, we’ve decided that you’re the best we ever had, and we want you to take us back… That’s the end of the gay metaphors now, I absolutely swear.
I know my partner (not a gay allegory at all) has done his best Kelly Clarkson impression (“Since you been gone!”) so I’m left with the privilege, nay, the honour, of presenting the Dugout’s Season of 2010/2011 awards to you.
Player of the Year
After detailed consultation with myself, I’ve decided to nominate the top three players from each of the major leagues and then we will have a Dugout Ballon d’Or except minus the accompanying three-course dinner or the trophy made of solid gold. Or the international recognition.
Barclay’s Premier League
1. Nemanja Vidic
The rock in defence for the Red Devils all year long, hardly put a foot wrong. While his partner lived life from the physio’s table, Vidic put in Herculean turns at the back to bring the title back to the red half of Manchester.
2. Gareth Bale
Since apparently every time they hear his name, Spurs supporters get an uncomfortable hardening between their legs, he will henceforth be referred to as “The Worlds Greatest”. His performances in both legs of the UCL group stage ties against Inter Milan, when he took the man many consider the worlds best right back, Maicon, to the cleaners, announced him as no longer a great prospect, but a world class left sided player (or “THE WORLDS GREATEST” depending on whether your talking to a Spurs fan or not).
3. Scott Parker
How can a guy playing in a team that got relegated find himself in the top three of a player of the season award? Simple; play like Scott Parker did. His call up to the England squad simply confirmed that the notion that you have to play in one of the top six clubs in England to play for the national team is rubbish (although, in the interests of keeping Emile Heskey out of the England team, it might be a good law to implement).
Italian Serie A
1. Wesley Sneijder
Claims that Barcelona deserved to receive all three nominations for the Ballon d’Or last season were an absolute joke. In a year, this man won the treble for Inter Milan, and led his national team to the final of the World Cup. Now Sir Alex views him as the key to Manchester United besting Barcelona next year, and you know what, he is probably right.
2. Edinson Cavani
Hands up how many of you knew much about Napoli former wide man who transferred to lead the line this season (thank you Wikipedia)? I can’t see any hands… Well now, I’m hoping the same is no longer true because you are now looking at the Kobe Bryant of football. I don’t know what the equivalent of “clutch in the fourth” is for football, but whatever it is, Cavani is that. A stat line that says he scored 10 goals in the last 10 minutes of regulation time this season tells it’s own story.
3. Alexis Sanchez
It was a toss-up between Sanchez and his teammate Antonio Di Natale, but in the end, Sanchez won out because there is more to talk about, despite the fact that I assume I will grow to hate him about as much as I hate Ronaldo. After being virtually useless for half a season, he moved into the hole behind Di Natale, and suddenly he had 10 goals in 12 league games. A transfer to Barcelona followed, and the best thing I can see coming out of that is Pedro losing his spot, which is a blessing for anyone who hates flicking on the Barca game and wondering why their program has been replaced with FINA World Diving Championships (which coincidentally are happening right now. Yay, relevant joke!)
Spanish La Liga
1. Lionel Messi
I deliberately left Spain until last, because there is no two ways about it; Lionel Messi was the world’s best player last season, with daylight between him and second place. Whether or not this Barca team is the best we’ve ever seen (I personally think people forget the great Ajax and Brazilian teams of yesteryear far too quickly) is a moot point, but undoubtedly their achievements can be accredited in a large part to one man, and one man only. Goals, assists, runs, you name, Messi does it. The only knock against him is his performance in his national colours, but I think this is unfair. It’s not that he plays badly for Argentina, its that Argentina plays badly for him, and despite how hard Ronaldo may try, one man cannot win trophies single handedly.
2. C. Ronaldo
CR7, or whatever he wants to be called today, is probably sitting at home wondering what on earth he has to do to beat Messi. Because apparently scoring 53 goals in 54 games this season, including an incredible 40 goals in 34 league games, doesn’t cut it. Beaten into the least modest second place you are likely to find, Ronaldo’s performances deserve nearly all the accolades he would award himself. But in reality, I doubt Ronaldo is sitting at home worrying about this. No, I imagine he’s worrying about it while sandwiched between three Spanish models. The unluckiest lucky bloke in the world, if you know what I mean.
3. Xavi
When God was designing the anti-Ronaldo, he made Xavi. Not blessed with with height, pace, power, or a talent for developing STI’s, Xavi is the thinking man’s player. With vision that no player on the globe can hope to compete with, and a feel for the game that keeps Jose Mourinho awake at night, Xavi is the perfect centre mid. He is the heartbeat of Barcelona, and while they may get Fabregas in the end, Xavi is irreplaceable.
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